If I'm Bitchy It's Because You Trampled My Tomato Plant

A lighthearted, satirical, cynical look at the world; a mixed up, miss-matched hodgepodge of strange and groovy shit....


If you are looking for drug awareness resources or my blogs with a more serious tone, you have come to the wrong one. You would most likely go for something like you'll find at the following link: Truth From the Stem

...it's a trip down memory lane holding hands with your wicked mother-in-law (....because we could all learn a little something from a strong-willed bitch); my own bitchy take on current events; signs of infidelity; and the famous "Ask a Bold, Blunt Bitch" column (because we could all learn a little something from a strong-willed bitch).

Image to right is by Ginette Callaway:
Bette Davis - Of Human Bondage - Legends In Oil

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can decide how you're going to live now."
--Joan Baez

"The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him."
-- Cher

"Old age ain't no place for sissies. "
-- Bette Davis

"When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch."
-- Bette Davis

"The soul should always stand ajar. Ready to welcome the ecstatic experience."
-- Emily Dickinson

"Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail their failure must be but a challenge to others."
-- Amelia Earhart

"The woman who can create her own job is the woman who will win fame and fortune."
-- Amelia Earhart

"Toughness doesn't have to come in a pinstripe suit."
-- Dianne Feinstein

"It isn't where you came from, its where you're going that counts."
-- Ella Fitzgerald

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
-- Anne Frank

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. "
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. "
-- Rhonda Hansome

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. "
-- Helen Hayes, at age 73

Things you can do:

Phone numbers you don’t recognize? A landline can be looked up via sites on the Internet like “Superpages.com” or “MSN Whitepages.” Even if it is a business number, you’ll find out.

But what about cell phone numbers? I know, I know, they don’t check out for free on a reverse lookup. So, what can you do?? GOOGLE IT!! Put the number together with the area code and see what comes up. Sometimes it works!!!

Musical artists sing about where the love is, older folks speak of a friendlier, safer day when others could depend on their neighbors, and I even remember a time when I actually knew my neighbors on a personal level. I knew the names of their children, and even the names of their pets, as well.

I have not even met any of my neighbors where we moved a few months ago. I am not sure I will meet them any time soon, either. Perhaps in the spring, when everyone is out taking care of the lawn, we will meet. Maybe then we will speak or become familiar with one another, at least.

My point is this: our country has changed. Yes, it has. We are not very dependant on our neighbors any longer in this new technological age.

And who would be? This is an age when a voice command can make our vehicle call for aid after a wreck. This is an age when an elderly woman can click a button on her necklace and alert medical personnel to the fact that she has fallen and cannot get back up.

Is this the way of us, then? Are we destined to be loners, talking only to machines, ordering groceries and necessities on-line, tapping away messages to our family or friends and wincing when another human being comes into view?

* Attractiveness

* Opportunity

* Risk Taking

* Sexual Desire

* Attitude Toward Love and Romance

* Relationship Problems

* Sense of Entitlement


Cheating Risk Assessments:
Cheater's Risk Assessment For Men

Cheater's Risk Assessment For Women

We have all heard them and sometimes have even sworn by them. But what old wives' tales can we actually believe? Some are based on superstition, some on partial truth, and some of them seem to be a logical improbability - or do they?

Many old wives' tales were created due to the fact that factual information about our world was not as readily available in times past. Perhaps in an attempt to give cause or origin to certain events or conditions, people of yesterday explained things to their families the best they knew how to then. Making sense of the strange and changing world around them gave rise to what we call "Old Wives' Tales," but to which folks of eras gone most likely called "the way it is."

One such common old wives' tale that most likely every bubble-gum lover has heard warns that chewing gum is actually indigestible. Well, for seven or more years, they claimed. Most of us remember being told as a child that if we swallow our chewing gum, it will remain in the stomach, or perhaps, as one variation of the old wives' tale suggests, even the appendix, for many years to come. Many a teasing grandfather even suggested that swallowed chewing gum will stick to the rib cage.

According to Wikipedia, chewing gum is made up of gum base, maybe glycerin for moistness, vegetable oil for softness, and different varieties of sweeteners, colorings, and preservatives. Being a substance that is decidedly not part of the major food groups, chewing gum does not digest as easily as a bologna sandwich, but it does digest as promptly. It seems, Paw-Paw, that chewing gum leaves the body in the same manner, right on time with everything else.

Therefore, if the jury is still out on whether or not chewing gum loses its flavor when left unattended and stuck to a bedpost throughout the night, one thing is for certain: the old wives' tale which claims that any gum base chewing confection will remain anywhere within the human body for seven or more years if swallowed is simply false. Young bubble gum lovers, rejoice!

Alternatively, one old wives' tale that many people believe they cannot readily prove or disprove involves small dogs indigenous to Mexico that are capable of transferring the burden of allergies and asthma from their owner's body to their own. Sandra Billitz of Warrior, Alabama claims that her mother's asthma was completely cured when she purchased one of the small breed of dog known as a Chihuahua.

"She had suffered with asthma for as long as I can remember. A friend of the family suggested that she get a Chihuahua, and for years, she just would not hear of it. Not because she did not believe her friend, really. But she thought that if it did work, it would be cruel to give a poor, little dog her sickness. When she finally did try it, though, the asthma just went away. Now, the little dog is fine, mind you - he didn't get sick or suffer anything from it. But Mother has no asthma problems to speak of at all, now."

On the "Chihuahua FAQs - Answers" page found at Bigchihuahua.com, the reputable site answers this common question by stating, "There has been a myth floating around that a Chihuahua in the house can cure or lessen a person's asthma. There is no scientific or other evidence for this. It's just an old 'wives' tale." In all fairness, Bigchihuahua.com adds, "Now, we must speak of what has been reported by several people that visit Bigchihuahua.com. It has been reported that some people who acquired Chihuahuas to help them with asthma actually claim that they were helped, and that their asthma diminished considerably. We believe this is quite possible - through the power of suggestion, faith, and belief."

Either way, being a short-haired breed, perhaps allergy and asthma sufferers who also happen to be dog lovers fare better with the choice of a Chihuahua as their pick for Man's Best Friend. Considering the fact that longer haired breeds of dogs may aggravate symptoms of certain ailments, the Chihuahua seems a more logical choice. This idea is described by Bill Knell at www.arizonapups.com, a site specializing in Chihuahua breeding that is also reputable as an Ethical Breeder Cooperative.

Another old wives' tale that at one time became the strict belief of mothers everywhere, (even to the chagrin of their wee ones) is the idea that if a person eats even a small meal, they must wait sixty minutes before taking a swim. The rule most children heard (and immediately grieved over) was that not one minute less than sixty would surely cause them to seize up in the water and immediately drown. If the child was brought up in a home which rightly demanded obedience, any disgruntled attitude or argument against the rule would warrant additional minutes in waiting, thus creating an unbearable torture experienced poolside. Roberta C. Barbalace contends, in "Sorting out Science from Junk Science," that the belief in this old wives' tale has all but disappeared from modern practice, and so happily frees the next generation of adolescent aquatic enthusiasts (http://www.environmentalchemistry.com).

Finally, a few of the old wives' tales which many females still hold to (and even modify primping preference and routine as a result of) have to do with human hair. According to Snopes.com, false hair beliefs include propaganda such as it being possible to repair split ends. Many teenage girls believe that using the same shampoo for a period of time causes hair to become resistant to that particular shampoo, thus causing the hair washer to swap brands every few months. More false old wives' tales concerning hair are that hats cause baldness, that lemon juice makes the hair shiny, that plucking one gray hair causes two to grow in its place, and that vinegar locks in hair color if used as a final rinse. Sorry, girls, it's just not true. They are all just old wives' tales.

So, when it is suggested that an ailing or bedridden patient would have a better or faster recovery progress if more plants were placed in the room to produce more oxygen, or that an asthmatic patient should purchase a Chihuahua in order to be rid of hindering malady, remember that it just may not be the truth. As well, many a poolside torture will be happily averted, and we women can save a bundle on hair products by ignoring the new shampoo brand's claims to restore hair that is, in fact, dead already, except for the tiny little bit under our scalp. And no one gets to show that little bit off, anyway.

Musical artists sing about where the love is, older folks speak of a friendlier, safer day when others could depend on their neighbors, and I even remember a time when I actually knew my neighbors on a personal level. I knew the names of their children, and even the names of their pets, as well.

I have not even met any of my neighbors where we moved a few months ago. I am not sure I will meet them any time soon, either. Perhaps in the spring, when everyone is out taking care of the lawn, we will meet. Maybe then we will speak or become familiar with one another, at least.

My point is this: our country has changed. Yes, it has. We are not very dependant on our neighbors any longer in this new technological age.

And who would be? This is an age when a voice command can make our vehicle call for aid after a wreck. This is an age when an elderly woman can click a button on her necklace and alert medical personnel to the fact that she has fallen and cannot get back up.

Is this the way of us, then? Are we destined to be loners, talking only to machines, ordering groceries and necessities on-line, tapping away messages to our family or friends and wincing when another human being comes into view?

Sometimes it stresses a woman beyond the point of crazy to know she is about to be in a confrontation. Now there are those who are pathetic with the “keep the peace” mindset which actually translates as “walk all over me just as long as we both smile and act happy.” I’m not speaking to you. You seem like a coward to me.

I am speaking to the women who believe anger in and of itself is not wrong. It’s what you do with that anger that determines right or wrong - as well as what you’ll immediately face. And here lately, it seems by that point I’m already swinging.

Some of us are slow to anger. Nothing wrong with that, I fit in this category as well. No, I do! Problem is, when I finally get to the angry point, I boil over and end up telling off the customer service chic who won’t return the freakin’ present I didn’t want anyway, letting loose a typhoon that started the day before with the lawn care guy.

She begins to look confused around the “When I specifically said NOT to cut over the monkey grass, it’s all that I can keep *#$$*@! alive in the whole #%$@ yard!”

I have become easier to be around, I think. I am growing more tolerant to . . . . Okay, I’m sugar–coating. No, I’m down–right lying. The truth is, the older I get, the less tolerance I have to idiots who have the IQ of a jar of mayonnaise. I believe in a give & take type set-up within relationships, and the very few women I believe deserve my complete loyalty and upmost respect as my true friends will tell you I’m right. They smirk when they say it, but they freakin’ say it.

I don’t know, Girls, give me some input. Is it so wrong to realize that being a high – riding bitch keeps the morons away from your house? I mean they even cross to the other side of the street when walking their idiot dogs! And turning thirty-nine next month, I think I’m about to decide my future as a mean old hag! And no, I do not mean I am prejudice when I say “less tolerant.” I mean there are idiots in my race, your race, his race, her race, and I just can’t seem to get along with the member of any race here lately!

Don’t hold back, Ladies, I’m very opinionated and value truthful opinions from others. Weak, sniffling “you hurt my feewings” people are useless to me, so don’t think I’ll lose sleep over you speaking your mind. I need to know . . . . am I too much of a bitch?

’Cause I see being too much of a bitch as “never can have too much of a good thing, Darlin!”

Is your significant other cheating? Maybe, maybe not. Here's a few signs, though. He or She...

...spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so cheater must make up more excuses to be away, such as (but not limited to): working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.

…has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer the phone around you, turns the ringer off, or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheater's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or calls of long duration.

…clothes have different smells than usual odors: alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne that is not of the cheater's normal choices.

…clears the computer history, utilizes free e-mail accounts such as g-mail, yahoo, hotmail, etc. Spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.

…is not interested in sex as much, or is more interested in sex with you than normal or may have new or unusual sexual requests.

…is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.

…starts using cash more often.

…suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.

…has higher than usual car mileage or uses the gas card or gas allowance more frequently.

…wants to travel, attend functions, or go places alone for some reason.

…has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.

…suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie, or changes general appearance and you cannot pinpoint exactly why.

…begins bathing or showering more frequently or as soon as they return home.

…asks about your schedule or plans for the day more often than usual, or suggests places you should go or friends/family you should visit, or events you should attend.

…stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.

…is always 'too tired' for you.

…lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc., because they need this time for their affair.

…becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.

…starts finding fault in almost everything you do to justify the affair in the cheater's mind.

Dear Bold, Blunt Bitch,
I am in love with a man I work with. It has not gone far and we have not cheated. My husband is a real jerk, and I really want to be with David (guy at work's name). What do you suggest I do?
Thank You In Advance,
Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused in Columbus,
Oh no, you did not ask me what you should do if having an office affair!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me?!?!? I checked my e-mail, saw your message and question, and was let down completely!!

I have been with my husband over 23 years. We have two daughters, two granddaughters, and a grandson. Last month, he surprised me with my dream car, a ’64 Mustang, that he had been paying on for two years without me knowing. It was so sweet, and I am so happy, so very happy, that no one ever held a candle to him, because if I had ever been anything except faithful to my beautiful man, it would turn me inside-out.

What should you do? Quit playing Flirty Floozy with the office boy and honor the commitment you vowed before God that you would honor.

And years from now, lying beside your husband, sharing memories that span 25-30 years back, you will know it was worth it. There is a magic that long-term monogamous relationships feel that is not easily defined or described, but that is perfect and whole and right.

-The Bold, Blunt Bitch
"Tact is not my long suit."

You can ask the Bold, Blunt Bitch anything you like: h2oforthegaslit2009@hotmail.com
Please put "Bold Blunt Bitch" in the SUBJECT line.


Last Week's BBB Letter:
Dear Bold, Blunt Bitch,
I feel like the guy Jim Carrey portrays in "Me, Myself, and Irene" too much lately. My best friend always borrows money and won't pay it back. But I keep loaning it to her. My kids get away with murder. The mail carrier will not drive down my driveway because it has ruts in it and is dirt, so she honks the horn every morning and if I miss her, I get no mail. Everyone says I am too nice. Maybe so, and is there anything wrong with that? I thought we were suppose to be kind to one another. I consider myself the way Einstein considered himself: a militant pacifist. WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT BESIDES ENCOUNTERING A FEW BUTTHEADS ALONG THE WAY?
Sincerely,
Me, Myself, and I-Can't-Be-Mean


Dear Me, Myself, and I-Can't-Be-Mean,,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?" Okay, we're both going to quit yelling now. Obviously you feel something is wrong with it or you wouldn't have asked a bold, blunt bitch about it!

Let me make this short and sweet for you so that your Einsteinium-like brilliance can absorb it: Everyone who takes advantage of you do this not because they see you as "kind," nor will it make them speak of you as "such a sweet girl." They think you are weak, pathetic, and easily manipulated into giving to them or doing for them.

And already you were justifying their behavior and excusing their actions, which tells me that you must want them in your life for some reason. My advice? You couldn't follow my advice, Can't-Be-Mean, because it is steps you are not willing to take. You won't ever shut them out of your life because you need for them to use you. It gives you placement in the hierarchy of the weak, I suppose.

TOUGHEN UP!! Especially if you have a daughter who needs to learn how to be a woman. And for Grace sake, put you a new post in the ground, cement in the hole, and slap a mail box on top, at the END of your driveway.

You were referring to the Albert Einstein quote about an end to war:
"I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war."

I don't believe you would fight for anything the way Einstein would have.

AM I WRONG?!?

Show me.

-The Bold, Blunt Bitch
"Tact is not my long suit."

You can ask the Bold, Blunt Bitch anything you like: h2oforthegaslit2009@hotmail.com
Please put "Bold Blunt Bitch" in the SUBJECT line.